C. Access to Grandchildren
Without Litigation
ON
THIS PAGE:
(1)
Why Is There So Little Litigation In This Area?
a.
Grandparents Can Be So Wonderful, For The Parents
Even the best of
parents needs a break once in a while.
The quality of the relationship between parent and child is substantially
affected by the quality of the relationship between the two parents. As with all relationships, it
is essential for the two parents to spend quality time alone with each other, in order to build and
maintain the quality of their relationship.
However, during such times, the parents need to leave their children under the
care of someone else. Someone they can trust with their children's welfare, their very lives.
Someone who loves and cares for the children almost as much as the parents do.
Someone like . . . grandparents.
b.
Grandparents Can Be So Wonderful, For the Grandchildren
Let's face it: raising children takes an awful lot of patience. And nobody, even the best of
parents, can be 100 percent patient all the time. That's why parents get cranky sometimes, and not
the most fun to be around for their children.
Enter the grandparents. Grandchildren often find their grandparents far more
inclined to spoil the grandchildren from here to Sunday, with copious attention and prodigious
patience.
Grandparents appear
to have an almost inhuman capacity for this, no doubt for some of the following reasons:
First, they have already made and, hopefully, learned
from, all of the mistakes that the parents are still making, so they have far less to worry about;
Second, after successfully surviving the parent phase,
grandparents have a much greater awareness of the "big picture" of what is really
important in life. That enlightened perspective leaves them more interested in spending what little
time they have remaining with their family, rather than obsessing over lesser priorities;
Third, grandparents don't have to take care of the
innumerable, day-to-day problems and routines associated with raising the grandchildren;
Fourth, having already raised their own children, and
since those same children have now blessed the grandparents with grandchildren, grandparents are
usually keenly aware of the parents' need for a break once in awhile, and are quite happy to give it
to them; and
Fifth, if and when the grandparent’s patience finally
runs thin, they get to leave the grandchildren behind and go home.
(2)
Why Is There Any Litigation In This Area At All?
Litigation is
necessary only when the parents object to grandparent/grandchild contact.
Parents often object
because they feel that the grandparent trespasses on the authority and sovereignty of the parents,
and thereby becomes a real pain in the patootie for both the parents and the grandchildren. Perhaps
this is because of one or more of the following reasons:
(1) Grandparents usually know more about raising children in general than
do the parents, because the grandparents have far more parenting experience. However, some
grandparents make the mistake of believing they are therefore more qualified to raise their
grandchildren in specific, than are the parents. They forget that the parents, not the grandparents,
are responsible for the daily health, safety and welfare of their grandchildren. They fail to
understand that this constant daily interaction with the grandchildren allows the parents to know
more about raising these particular, individual grandchildren in specific, than do the grandparents,
in spite of the grandparents’ superior parenting experience in general;
(2) Some grandparents have way too little to do, have far too much time in which to do it, and
are thereby predisposed to be uninvited meddlers;
(3) Many (all?) grandparents forget that the parents are not children
anymore, and thereby find it difficult to accept that those "children" now, exclusively,
have the same parental authority and responsibility, that the grandparents had back when the parents
were still their children;
(4) And finally, some grandparents seem to forget that parents need the
space to make the same mistakes the grandparents made, before the parents can develop their
parenting skills to the point where they, too, can someday be grandparents.
(3)
Suggestions for Increased Access to Grandchildren Without Litigation
If you are a
grandparent, and you feel that the parents may or do prevent you from seeing your grandchildren more
often, here are some suggestions that may change their minds, and thereby help you to increase
access to your grandchildren without litigation:
(a) If your parents trespassed on your authority and sovereignty when you
were a parent, remember how upsetting that was, and vow to avoid making the same mistake.
(b) If your parents did not trespass on your authority and sovereignty when
you were a parent, vow to follow their enlightened example.
(c) Have some faith in yourself. Your children would have turned out far worse if you had not
been the parent you were. Now that your children are parents, they will probably mimic most of the
good things you used to do, and avoid at least some of the mistakes.
(d) Remember when your children were naughty, and how you used to threaten
them with “just you wait until you have your own children . . .?” Perhaps it is now time to sit
back and finally enjoy your revenge.
