C. HOW TO MAKE
DIVORCE OR SEPARATION EASIER ON THE CHILDREN
ON
THIS PAGE:
1.
Avoid Abuse, Neglect, and Abandonment of the Children
For the purposes of
this article, “child abuse” means: (a) causing or allowing any harmful or offensive contact on
the child’s body; and, (b) any communication or transaction of any kind that humiliates, shames,
or frightens the child. Some child development experts go a bit further, and define abuse as any act
or omission which fails to nurture the child.
Child abuse will have the following consequences for you and your child:
(a) It will encourage your child to resent, fear, lie and
retaliate, rather than to love, trust, remain trustworthy, and cooperate.
(b) It will exclude and alienate your child from you and
the rest of your family.
(c) It will steal your child’s self esteem, and thereby
cripple your child’s psychological development and ability to function outside of your home in the
future.
(d) It will teach your child that abuse is an acceptable
and expected part of family relationships. When your child grows up, your child will probably carry
on the family tradition, and abuse your grandchildren.
(e) In a pending family law action, the Court may award sole custody of your child to the other
parent, and allow you to see your child only in the presence of a monitor. Before allowing you to
see your child more often or at all, the court may order you to participate, and to pay for: anger
management classes; or, a 52 week domestic violence class; or, counseling; or, a combination of the
three.
(f) The court may also issue various domestic violence
restraining orders against you, including, but not necessarily limited to:
(i) forbidding you to contact the
child, and the other parent, and your other children, with few or no exceptions;
(ii) forcing you to stay at least
a certain distance away from the child, and the other parent, and your other children, with few or
no exceptions;
(iii) forcing you to move out of
your own house, perhaps immediately.
See
other potential consequences, HERE.
(g) If the court issues any domestic violence restraining
orders against you, your name and other details of the restraining orders will be a public record,
and will probably be included in various state and national databases. These databases will be open
to all governmental agencies, and perhaps to your present and potential future employers. If you are
employed in any position of public or private trust, you may lose your job, and never find a similar
one again. In addition, it will almost always be a serious misdemeanor or felony for you to own,
purchase, or possess a firearm of any kind.
(h) The Department of Social Services, or whatever it’s called in your county, may seize custody
of your children, and file a dependency law action against you. The court may place your children,
temporarily or permanently, with either: the other parent; or, a close relative; or, a foster
parent. The court may order you to pay some or all the expenses of your children’s care. Before
allowing you to see your child more often or at all, the court is very likely to order you to
participate, and to pay for: anger management classes; or, a 52 week domestic violence class; or,
counseling; or, a combination of the three.
(i) You may be prosecuted and convicted of one or more
child abuse related crimes. This would result in either: fines; or, incarceration; or, anger
management classes; or, a 52-week domestic violence class; or, a combination of these. It would also
force you to live with the stigma of being a convicted child abuser for the rest of your life.
(j) Your child may exclude you from part or all of the
child’s adult life. For example, you might not be invited to your child’s wedding, or not be
allowed any contact or relationship with your grandchildren.
Fortunately, there are ways of getting your children to mind their manners,
without resorting to assault and battery on their bodies, and without decimating their self-esteem
with psychological abuse. If you don’t already know and actually apply these secrets, you have the
following two options:
Option 1: you can attend a reputable parenting class,
take notes, periodically review those notes, and (here’s the most important part) actually apply
what you have learned; or,
Option 2: you and your child will suffer some or all of
the consequences described above.
Choose Option 1. Yes, it sometimes takes the patience and resolve of a saint, but
it will be well worth it. Other parents before you, with far less intelligence, resources, and
incentive, have done it; so can you. Besides, the consequences of Option 2 are not acceptable. If
you stick with Option 1, you, your child, and your grandchildren, will enjoy far more of your lives
together, for years to come.
2.
Avoid Derogatory Remarks to or about the Other Parent in the Presence of the Children
Making derogatory
remarks to or about the other parent, in the presence of the child, is a very nasty form of
psychological abuse against your child. On a subconscious level, children are half mom and half dad.
Inevitable result: to condemn one of the parents, either to or in the presence of the child, is to
condemn the child.
If the other parent insists on continuing to abuse your child, in this way or in
any other, you must nonetheless continue to resist the temptation to engage in the same
irresponsible conduct, because:
(a) it may encourage the other parent eventually to
stop;
(b) if you don’t stop, the other parent almost
certainly won’t stop; and,
(c) even if the other parent never stops, one non-abusive
parent is always better than none.
3.
Avoid Arguing in Front of the Children
Somewhere there
exists a line that separates rational and respectful discussion from verbal assault and battery.
Crossing this line in the presence of your child may be the most nasty possible way of making
derogatory remarks to and about the other parent in the presence of that child, and by both parents
instead of just one.
On a subconscious level, children are half mom and half dad. Inevitable result:
to condemn one of the parents, either to or in the presence of the child, is to condemn the child.
Therefore, in a very real sense, every dagger you throw at the other parent in the presence of your
child stabs through the heart of your child on the way there.
4.
Avoid Using Children as Negotiation Tools
Far too often,
parents go into the terrorist business, and draft their own children for hostage duty. They engage
in the indefensible practice of using their own children as pawns, with which to extort domination,
manipulation and control over the other parent, with utter disregard to the devastation this
inevitably causes the child.
For the purposes of this article, a “terrorist” parent means a parent who
uses that parent’s own child as a negotiation tool. “Using children as negotiation tools”
means: (1) threatening to change any arrangement, which affects any issue involving the child, (2)
for any purpose other than placing the best interests of that child at top priority.
Here are some
examples:
(a) Threatening to:
· manipulate the child’s
opinion or feelings about the other parent; or,
· change any custody or
visitation arrangement; or,
· change any child support
arrangement,
(b) For the purpose of:
· receiving more child support;
or,
· paying less child support; or,
· making things more convenient
for a new mate, or a grandparent, or someone other than the child; or,
· pleasing or placating the
other parent; or,
· punishing or retaliating
against the other parent; or,
· gaining any advantage of any
kind other than advancing the best interests of the child.
Unfortunately, using the terrorist’s own child, to pressure the other parent on
some other issue, is often an effective negotiation strategy. Notably, it works only because the
other parent is genuinely interested in the best interests of the child, and the terrorist is not.
It also demonstrates that the terrorist parent cares less about the long term interests of that
parent’s own child, and more about some financial advantage or other convenience.
Don’t do this. Be a parent, not a terrorist.
5.
Pay Child Support Timely and In Full
In California, the
law requires both parents to maintain an income corresponding to their respective earning
capacities, and to shift part of that income to the parent with less earning capacity or more
physical custody of the children.
As indicated under Spousal
Support, the standard of living of both parents drops substantially, as soon as they separate
and begin supporting two households instead of one. The parent paying child support, no matter how
little it is, usually feels it is too much. The parent receiving child support on behalf of the
children, no matter how much it is, usually feels it is too little.
The standard of living for the children obviously goes down as well.
Unfortunately, if either or both of the parents fail to contribute to supporting their children,
then the children’s standard of living suffers yet further.
The child support you pay into the household of the other parent is absolutely
essential for helping that parent support your children. That is why they call it “child”
support, rather than “parent” support.
The term, “deadbeat parent,” is considered by most in our culture to be an
insult. And for good reason. Failing to pay your child support:
(a) Prevents your own child from participating in your
standard of living;
(b) Forces your own child to endure the inevitable cruel
teasing from the other children at school who can’t help but notice that your child enjoys a
conspicuously lower standard of living than do the rest of them;
(c) Often forces the other parent to spend far more time
working and, therefore, less time parenting your child; and, most importantly,
(d) Substantially compromises the quality of your child’s
food, shelter, clothing, health, and comfort.
This is probably why California places a higher priority on the parents’
obligation to support their children than it does on any of the parents’ other legal obligations.
As a result, California allows more remedies and opportunities for enforcing child support
obligations, than it does for any other kind of obligation, including those for taxes.
But the legal stuff distracts from a more important issue. Your child is not just
one of your creditors, and this is not just ;about someone’s legal rights and obligations. It’s
about your child.
Your child is under your care and protection, for a very brief time. Supporting,
protecting, and caring for this part of your life, during this all too brief time, is not as much an
obligation or a “job" as it is an opportunity and a privilege.
6.
Use the Best Way to Make Decisions Concerning Your Children
a.
The Eight Magic Words Preceding Every Decision Concerning the Children without Exception
When parents bring a
child-related dispute to court, the judge will probably (and should) ignore every argument a parent
offers, with the sole exception of those arguments which begin with the following eight magic
words:
“This is in our child’s best interest, because: . . .”
You should too. Your separation will be dramatically easier on the children if
every decision you make, without exception, also begins with those same eight magic words. Do this,
and you need never be reminded again about how to avoid abusing your children.
And you will probably never have to read an article like this again.
b. Who
Should Determine What Is in the Best Interests of Your Children
Answer: The parents.
Not the court.
When separated parents can not make such decisions together, the court is
required to make such decisions for them. This results in allowing a complete stranger, who has
never met or even seen your child before, to make your decisions concerning your child for you.
California family law presumes that you and your co-parent are the experts. It
presumes that you and your co-parent are more qualified than anyone else for determining what is in
your child’s best interests. As a result, the courts generally will refuse to intervene, unless:
(a) someone proves to the court that your decisions are
detrimental to your child; or,
(b) the two parent/experts are unable to agree.
Hence, until proven otherwise, the law says you and your co-parent are the
experts.
So should you.
