B. HOW TO MAKE
DIVORCE OR SEPARATION EASIER ON THE ADULTS
ON
THIS PAGE:
1.
Behavior: Choose It; Don’t Let It Choose You
One of the most
prolific and insidious of modern myths is the notion that our behavior is controlled, rather than
merely influenced, by our feelings. Perhaps this is because we do not have conscious, immediate or
direct control over our feelings. They control themselves, whether we like it or not.
However, we do have conscious, immediate and direct control over the behavior we
choose in response to our feelings. Indeed, although we experience varying degrees of influence over
our circumstances and environment, the behavior we choose for ourselves is probably the only thing
over which we have any degree of genuine control.
We therefore have the power to choose behavior which best protects and promotes
the long-term interests of ourselves and our children, rather than forfeiting this choice to
something so intangible and unpredictable as our feelings.
And with that power
comes responsibility to use it wisely.
For example:
a.
Avoid impolite and uncivilized behavior
Impolite and
uncivilized behavior motivates those involved to engage in revenge and retaliation against each
other. This results in distracting the parties from focusing on efficiently resolving the real
problems and conflicts.
Resist the temptation, even if the other party will not. One cool head exercising
sanity under fire is far better than none. If someone is going to be mature, wise, and insightful
enough to break this cycle of abject foolishness, it might as well be you. And although unlikely, it
just might eventually encourage the other party to follow suit.
b.
Avoid domestic violence and such
Physical and sexual
abuse is “impolite and uncivilized behavior” of the worst kind. If this kind of behavior is part
of your relationship, both of you have allowed things to go too far for you to resolve on your own.
Both of you, individually, need to get professional help.
That’s right. Victims need counseling just as much as so perpetrators.
Obviously, physical or sexual abuse will severely complicate the parties’
ability to focus on resolving the problems and conflicts of separation as quickly and efficiently as
possible. However, as explained more fully HERE,
a lot more than a family law settlement is stake.
No more excuses. Each of you: get up and do it, right now, as though your lives
and the lives of your children depend on it.
Because they do.
c.
Avoid drug/alcohol abuse
Well over half of my
cases involve a history of drug/alcohol abuse, either by one or both of the parties, or within the
households in which one or both of the parties were children. I therefore suspect there is a strong
correlation between the dysfunction of drug/alcohol abuse, and the dysfunction of broken domestic
relationships.
Drug/alcohol abuse blocks the parties’ ability to focus on resolving the
problems and conflicts of separation as quickly and efficiently as possible. For that matter, it
blocks the parties’ ability to focus on pretty much anything at all.
Negotiations are impossible, when one of the parties is missing, and an unstable
chemical comes to the table instead.
As with domestic violence and such, above, if this kind of behavior is part of
your relationship, both of you have allowed things go too far for you to resolve on your own. Both
of you, individually, need to get professional help.
d.
Integrity: Choose It, Don’t Lose it
Another common
modern myth is the notion that we can expect to hold, to keep, or otherwise to control any of our
assets with any kind of long-term reliability. Unfortunately, that’s not the way it works. Whether
from changing households or otherwise, our assets can and will continue to be augmented and
diminished due to factors over which we have no direct control.
The only exception we will ever have is our integrity. Integrity means keeping
our promises and commitments, and telling the truth. It is the one and only asset we will ever truly
own. No person or circumstance can ever take it away from us unless we voluntarily give it away.
As with every interpersonal transaction, your integrity and credibility will be
pivotal to your ability to influence the resolution of the problems and conflicts of your separation
as quickly and efficiently as possible. Settlement agreements are worthless if they are based on
fraud, or if either party can not be trusted to keep that party's end of the bargain. Negotiations
are generally a complete waste of time, when one or both of the parties is missing, and a mere
facade shows up instead.
Everyone has their “price,” for which they would compromise their integrity
or credibility. Whatever money or property your divorce or separation may appear to present in the
short term, insist that your “price” is higher.
Besides, if you always tell the truth, you will never have to worry about trying
to remember whatever it was you said before, or to whom you said it.
And remember: your children are watching.
2.
Attacking the Problems Rather Than Attacking the Personalities
Too many separating
couples refuse to resist the temptation to say or do nasty things to each other, even when they are
ostensibly attempting to negotiate with each other. This kind of silliness inevitably focuses the
parties’ attention on attack and defense, rather than on resolving the problems.
Ever notice how well negotiations proceed and conflicts resolve when people do
this? Of course not. Attempting to form a consensus on anything this way is a waste of time and
money.
Avoid this trap. Steadfastly refuse to attack the other person, and insist
instead on resolving the issues before you. This will keep your attention focused where it belongs
more often. Hopefully, it will encourage the other person to do the same.
Unfortunately, the other party will still probably continue to pursue this form
of settlement sabotage, at least for a while. Continue to resist the temptation to engage in the
same, self-defeating behavior anyway. There may be a chance that the other party will eventually
calm down, and follow your more enlightened example. And if you don’t resist the temptation, the
other party is virtually certain to continue doing the same.
3.
Counseling and Psychotherapy
Couples in
transition often benefit greatly from counseling. It often makes the separation process much easier
for them to understand and handle. And it is absolutely essential when the parties have a history of
physical abuse, sexual abuse, alcohol abuse, or drug abuse.
This is because counseling usually promotes, among other things, more composure
and better perspective. This results in better judgment, better decisions, and better behavior.
As detailed in the introductory article,
the separation process often involves our most extreme and awful experiences of loss, humiliation,
and betrayal, and thereby the most stressful psychological experience of a lifetime. This is why, if
there was ever a time in your life to consider counseling, this is it.
Money is no excuse. There are many quality psychotherapy groups that work on
sliding scale.
And if you think counseling is a waste of your time, consider this theory: Every
day you spend in counseling will probably result in ten days that your children will not need to
spend in counseling when they grow up.
4.
Spousal Support (Alimony)
The current state of
the law appears to allow spousal support only where the parties were either formally legally
married, or where the parties entered into an enforceable contract for it.
If spousal support is an issue in your separation, it will probably be the most
difficult issue to negotiate. Over 95% of all family law cases filed in Southern California settle
without going to trial. Of those few cases that ultimately fail to settle without trial, the
unsettled issues almost always include spousal support.
A little math reveals why: Same income + twice the household expenses = lower
standard of living.
No matter how much support one of the parties receives, it never seems to be
enough. No matter how little support a party pays, it always seems to be too much. This is at least
partly because, unless someone suddenly wins the lottery, the standard of living for both parties is
going to go down significantly. Separation, almost by definition, results in the parties
establishing separate residences. The parties are then supporting two households, instead of just
one, on the same income.
If spousal support is or may be an issue in your case, these two suggestions may
make the separation process a lot easier for both of you in the long run:
(a) If the law requires you to pay it, pay it. It’s probably inevitable
anyway, and if the other party needs it, that party is not going to be a fun
negotiation partner today, without enough to eat the night before. It will help
reduce the resentment of the supported party, and thereby increase your chances
of an acceptable comprehensive settlement. And if it doesn’t settle, you will
avoid the judge being prejudiced against you for being such a deadbeat.
(b) If you can support yourself, whether entirely or
partially, do it. You are legally required to support yourself to the best of
your ability, so it’s probably inevitable anyway. It will help reduce the
resentment of the paying party, and thereby increase your chances of an
acceptable comprehensive settlement. And if it doesn’t settle, you will avoid
the judge being prejudiced against you for being such a parasite. And the
independence resulting from becoming self-supporting will materially improve
your self-esteem.
